the sky looks the same everywhere. when you look at the sky, you can't tell if you're in america or fucking africa.

i'm having a surreal day.
i took a test this morning,
and then i was whisked off to the town i grew up in.
and now sean thought i was dead.
and is now talking to jsv.

i went on a roadtrip to the beach with that african,
a beach in a city where i used to live.
it reminded both of us of our pasts,
and we blasted crystal castles with the windows down.

i fell asleep on the beach, without pills.

Eternally Pwned Knees

Everything is starting to happen so fast now.
The year is ending, so everything that's waited will
be here in the next week.
I've been obsessively editing that movie all day today,
and the calculus AP exam is in 8 hours.
Then I will make a scene at a rally.


Can you believe that in a month it will be all over??
I won't be far though... I'll be around.

please don't make things worse than they are.

so i'm breaking the rules (typical)
and updating from school!
i haven't updating recently,
and i feel guilty
so this is what you get!

and don't worry, there is no one in here but me.


i like the days sean michael and i eat outside best.
lunch is so much lovelier that way,
and the sun is warm and nice.
it almost seems like it's longer,
because there's no clock for me to compulsively check.

the all-state orchestra is here now,
maybe i will meander down the hallways
and go listen to them.

Mountain Time

This is what happens during a 3 hour car ride back from the mountains:
Yes, obnoxious self-photography like that time I took pictures of myself rolling around on your bed while I waited for you to glue eyelashes to your face.

I Can't Get That Trumpet Out of My Head

I agree that our problems are the same, as I have written before. It is like what I said at lunch, the world seems to have an order when it comes to fucking me over (and everyone else I am assuming). I suppose it is fair that what I do to people every day (however unintentional) is now happening to me. How wonderfully tragic it is that everyone's problems would be solved save for one vital flaw. Everyone's happiness is so close, yet forever unattainable. I wish I could tell you how deep this irony goes, and maybe I will someday, when it has all passed and become an amusing memory. The world is so perfectly shitty that it almost makes me believe that there is something running all this. Almost.

Barbie Girl: A New Life

Barbie had just finished her breakfast of dry eggs and what appeared to be some sort of meat when Steve entered the room.
"The doctor said you were feeling better this morning, so I thought I would pop in."
"Yes, thank you...' Barbie's voice was still harsh and shaky, 'I'm able to eat solid foods, see?" She motioned to the empty plate on her lap.
Steve looked at the fragile frame that propped itself up against two pillows in that white room.
"Barbie...' he began with great effort, 'What happened to you?"
Barbie sat in silence.
"Can you call the nurse, I'm finished with my breakfast." She scraped the plate with her fork nervously.
"Listen... I know it's hard... those were dark times for us all... I can't even imagine... what it was..."
For the first time, Barbie looked up at Steve.
"I just think you should be ready for when you come out of here. The media is having a field day with this story... an international super model shows up after being lost for half a year in the jungle... people are in love with you. I just think you should be prepared with what happened."
"Where is Ken?"
"Oh, I'm not sure... Would you like to see him?"
"No... no, I don't think so. I don't think I'm ready yet."
"I see. Well, get some rest. Pretty soon you will be able to enter the world again."
Barbie looked once more at the blinds she had kept closed since she woke from unconsciousness.

i find it funny...

...how frequently sean michael's problems mirror mine.
i wonder if he is just as aware of this mirror as i am?
or maybe my problems mirror his? (is that the same thing?)
we even have the same fucking body issues for christ's sake...
damn wide shoulders.

Barbie Girl: A New Life

Barbie woke to a blinding white light and the quiet hum of a steady machine. As her eyes adjusted to the harsh florescent lights, she began to see the pale tiles on the ceiling. She tried to sit up to see where she was, but she realized she was unable. Her weak body kept her sight set on the ceiling. As her mind returned with her eyes, she began to truly question where she was, and how she came to be there. She tried hard to remember the last thing she was doing, but her blinding headache prevented her from thinking clearly.
She heard footsteps to her right, and the sound of a door opening. A woman gasped, and hurried to another part of the room.
"Yes! She appears to be conscious!"
The nurse's face appeared in front of Barbie, and she asked her how she was feeling. Barbie opened her mouth, but only a harsh gurgle came out.
"It's normal for it to take some time for your bodily functions to come back... you were out a long time. Luckily one of your friends was here visiting just a few minutes ago, and he is on his way up now. We can talk more about your recovery after you have time to process this and talk with him."
The nurse left and Barbie continued her stare at the ceiling. Once more, she heard footsteps from the right. She labored and was able to turn her head slowly and with great care to see the man who walked into her room.
"Barbie..? It's me... Steve. The nurse told me you can't speak yet... and that you might not remember everything that happened. It's been nearly 11 months since the accident."
At once her memory was jarred back and everything flashed before her eyes in an instant. Steve. The Ruins. The Accident. Ken. The Jungle. The Fall. But what was she doing at a hospital? She was supposed to be dead.
"I found you washed up by the lake just a few miles from the dig site, 4 months after the crash... I thought you would be a corpse... but you were still alive. What happened to you? How were you alive after 4 months?"
Steve stood next to her in silence in the morning sun. Would she be able to tell him the truth? No, it would be better for her to live the lie.
"I suppose we will have plenty of time to talk once you are feeling better. I have to admit... I was really worried there. But there is some good news... we found Ken by the river and, well, he's alive, Barbie. Ken is alive."

À Suivre...

my family vacations

i've decided it's finally time for the world to see the terrible horror film i made on my family vacation to the poconos, whenever that was. i think it was july, in fact, i think i was up there when it was sean's birthday, because i recall there being drama involving a surprise party, and i remember not caring because i was trapped in the most horrific mountain lodge ever.

which is how this movie came to be made. this is only the last 36 seconds, because the audio in most of it needs to be really remastered.

my brother wrote the script, and we filmed the whole thing in two hours, starring only my family. i filmed it on a little shitty digital camera because that's all i had.

so ta da! the worst horror film ever!

music is all by the kronos quartet.

beautiful connotations.

we are always running for the thrill of it, thrill of it.

i’m caught eternally in the first half of the fanfiction. my life has all of the sexual tension, and none of the erotic descriptions.

you blew through me like bullet holes,
left stains on my sheets and stains on my soul.

(but i don't need to bore you with that drivel!

in other news, i've stopped talking to god. which is interesting, because i don't think i ever seemed like the type to talk to god anyway. but i realized that the god i talked to was like this imaginary friend who could grant my wishes if it was convenient or entertaining for him.

anyway, my new imaginary friend is a.e. housman.

yes, i talk to a dead, gay, victorian poet named alfred. and can you imagine! all of these things are to keep me from going insane. i think in my attempt to get out, i just dug myself deeper into this damn hole i'm already in.)

What's a Girl to Do?

Hanging out in an elementary school playground on a Sunday afternoon...

The feeling that was so novel before has begun to cause me pain,
but don't misunderstand, this pain has given me meaning
and that has made me happier than all the dried fruit
of the Great Pacific could.
I've been thinking up until now that this is confusing.
But it is not. It is simple. So simple.
Just because something is hurtful does not mean
that it is confusing. In fact, some of the most painful
things are the most basic facets of our lives.
And this is one I suppose.
Today was worse than usual,
135 minutes a day is bad enough.
Please don't add more.
I remember at first, I was so fascinated by your psychosis.
I'm not sure why Jill and I get so involved with people
with fragile minds.
I'm just that creepy kid that blurts out awkward sentences
to you. Or sometimes I just agree with your own awkward
sentences. But at least I talk to you.
And that is the best either of us
will ever get.
I can't get this nail polish off my fucking fingers.

"First, I'm Going to Pack Us Some Snacks, Then We Can Get You to the Hospital"

It's finally over.
(sort of)

voodoo.

my black nail polish is called 'voodoo'.
hmm.

so i've decided i'm an artist (again)
so i have no time to speak to you all as planned
on the subject of why i hate everyone.

my jaw hurts.

but here are pictures.
they should explain,
sort of,
why i hate everyone.

Peace of Mind for a Simpler Time

"The dawg was goin' crazy when you came in last night. And I looked out and saw all these flashin' red and blue lights comin' from under your deck. I was so amazed."

Sometimes I need to just drive until the road ends and run to the top of the mountain.

Kelly loved Jim in '07, but I made the climb alone.

They were towns full of empty houses.
The fat woman was opening the gate.
Her shirt had slipped off her shoulders,
but she was too tired to care.