the prom is an unfortunate long-standing tradition, and suburban american proms have a distinction for being particularly stupid. in europe, especially scandinavia, formal dances usually feature an open bar. some proms are held on party boats. but in suburban america, proms are held in country clubs and hotel ballrooms. there are no bars— everyone is expected to get drunk, and laid, covertly. but the worse thing of all is the horrendous prom fashion. it’s become a ritual that lasts months for girls to go prom dress shopping, because it’s their one night to wear a gown and pretend they are some manner of elite. they make appointments for their hair, makeup and nails, and they all come out resembling either plastic-y 40-year-old casino patrons, or drag queens. the proms of real rich kids are quite different, as no one ever looks “overdone” or plastic. they all look as if they just woke up looking that classy. it’s the suburban middle class that thinks that have to deck themselves out to resemble money, or power. and they all end up looking stupid. and getting their fashion critiqued by me. this is the part we’ve all been waiting for— where jill the fashion mag whore weighs in on this years junior prom fashion! first let’s take a look at this years horrid trends!
the faux corset back.
where real corsets where designed to make you appear thinner, the prom dress corset-back instead displays everyone’s attractive back fat, spilling forth from where the corset threads try to keep it in check (to no avail). but even if you would not to appear to have back-fat in a regular backless dress, don’t worry! the corset back is here to manufacture you some. you too can look like packaged lard!
these rules do not apply to anyone who has less than 2% body fat. in fact, for those people i recommend the corset-back. this is your night to flaunt your protruding spine!
no pictures of fat because i don't want to offend anyone,
but if you don't look like this,
yuor doing it wrongz!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
matchy-matchyyeah, your date’s tie should match your dress (or something. who made these rules anyway?) but do you and all of your friends have to match too? the trends for this year say: yes!
the bridal party look is so in for 2009! color schemes are beyond chic.
screw originality, this year is about becoming a clone of everyone else at your table. make a statement together. strength in numbers, i say.
wtf dates
but if you feel limited by color schemes, you can show your personality by choosing a date that will turn heads and make everyone ask “what the fuck?”
for example, if you’re the leading lady diva type with your head up your ass…go with a arabic midget-sophomore.
if you’re a wannabe model who thinks she’s the next face of couture…go with your dad!
with daddyz?one shouldered gowns
i don’t understand this. it looks like “some furry creature lodged itself in my boobs, but then crawled out halfway and wrapped itself around my shoulder.”
i don’t understand this. it looks like “some furry creature lodged itself in my boobs, but then crawled out halfway and wrapped itself around my shoulder.”
fake tans
remember that arabic midget you’re going with? your skin should be darker than his. no exceptions. orange is also acceptable.
you may ask: but i’m asian. do i still have to go tanning?
the answer is yes. still no exceptions.
guyz.....aznz need tanz t000!returning again for another season of prominence, the most consistent trend we’ve seen: being a drunk whore.
passing out under the table and getting arrested is so vogue.
and as everyone knows, you will end up fucking someone. maybe it’s your first time, more likely it’s your five hundreth time, because you’re a whore anyway. but you will end up sleeping with that sweaty, ugly suburban jock with no fashion sense and bad hair you brought who was only coerced into his lime green tux by the prospect of getting some.
more laterz!
this is all meant in fun. no offense should me taken, but if your offended by this, you shouldn't be reading anyway!
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