karma.

i fixed my karma, and i went industrial clubbing tonight.
i just got back.

and for once,
i don't give a fuck about whatever sean was doing tonight,
who he was with,
or how great it was.

because my life is fucking incredible.

they wouldn't let me take my camera into the club.
so i only have this picture i took right now:


anyway, it was unbelievable.
there were tiny pixie girls in tiny chain covered skirts,
and real raver boys,
and vampiric drag queens, bleeding from every orifice.
there were beautiful gay boys, dancing on platforms all around the club,
prostituting their skinny shirtless torsos for the entire crowd to see.
i got offered more drugs than i ever have in my whole life,
xtc and shrooms and lsd.
it was like a skins party,
and every one dressed like effy.
combat boots, and short skirts, and fishnets.
and REAL ravers.
girls on platforms, glowstringing better than me!
it was...my dreams...

and they loved me!
even though it wasn't my scene,
they still accepted me,
the spoke to me,
they danced with me.

there were these two girls,
one was black, wearing a torn white wedding gown,
and her girlfriend was white, wearing a torn black gown.
everything was deconstructed and torn.

and the music!

the second i got on the dancefloor, the darkwave techno remix
of "mad world" came on, and the entire dancefloor erupted in cheers.
everyone screamed the words together in unison,
everyone,
male, female, straight, gay, goth, punk, sweet lolita:

"and i find it kind of funny,
i find it kind of sad,
the dreams in which i'm dying
are the best i've ever had"

jamie stewart was right.

i will quote him now, because he has already said everything i felt tonight better than i could ever try to say:

"regardless of the fact that i was wearing eternal tour fatigues of just jeans and a black inside out this song is a mess t shirt and most everyone else was in full bat wing, bloody clown wig, sex fascist, electrical tape gear, i still felt some how a part of things.
in that clearly everyone there did not like who they are and were trying so hard to be someone else.
and doing this, by again, dancing that feeling away. physically and emotionally pushing against everything in a painful, ecstatic almost deaf swivel."

it's very strange, because i have never felt less alone.
everything suddenly felt...worth it.

they played psyclon nine, and aesthetic perfection
and everyone cheered.
i could've cried.
and beautiful girls looked at me
like they never have before.
like i was maybe...
a desirable creature?

because everyone there was
so beautifully despicable,
that it was desirable
to be anything.

i was so sad though,
fittingly, seeing as it was a goth club,
because the night would have been perfect...
but it wasn't complete...

...i wish you'd been there with me, sean michael,
because i had no one to share it with at all.

you have to go with me. have to. have to. have to.
we will rave to psyclon nine,
surrounded by girls and boys
dressed like gothic prostitutes.

and nothing else will matter.

nothing.

ps. you have to come to dc with me!
or i will cry.
my epic adventures aren't epic without you.
i wish that wasn't true, but it is.

i missed having you as my
partner in crime tonight.